Recently I have been skimming through journal entries made over several decades. I seldom go back and read my thoughts from the past. However if I have invested time writing them then reviewing must surely be worthwhile. Or I hope so! These writings are in many regards encouraging to read. It is nurturing to be reminded of events long ago and personal memories. My life, my experience, my journey.

Yet these notes are only the briefest of snapshots. It’s only in recent years I have tried to journal for individual days. In the past I would often summarise 2 or 3 weeks in just a few lines. One or two thoughts on how I was feeling. Maybe a judgement on something or some experience that had occurred. Despite being condensed recollections they still represent me in some way. Or at least what I was at that time!

There is much to be thankful for. I am grateful for now being on my 70th round of the sun. Having a written record of some of these years is a helpful way of ‘counting your blessings’. 

Yet there is another strand from life’s experience that my journalling consistently relates. It shows how I regularly grapple with the same questions. Queries that arise from feelings or things that have happened. Often similar ponderings repeatedly emerge. Year after year.

How come I am the way I am? My personality, background, upbringing, culture. 

Why so indecisive? Ruminating over what to do in different scenarios.

What should I be doing? Where am I going? Worries about the present and future. Regrets from the past.

Why is there so much injustice in the world? So much suffering. Why do prayers seem to go unanswered?

There was a time when I would be burdened with such questions and frustrated at the lack of answers. At times I would blame myself for entertaining such thoughts. Likely I am not alone in this. If the passing of time has matured me in any way it is perhaps seeing the need to make peace with these tensions. Always expecting answers or ’breakthroughs’ is not the way to live. 

I need to live the questions. Being alive means querying the hows, whats and whys of my being in this world. Yet having the answers is not my lot. As the years pass there is more about myself and the world I don’t understand. Yet I can still be a seeker, a learner. Having faith and living with questions is possible.

God loves me as I am and that gives hope. Accept that I can be gentle on myself. In so doing I can marvel afresh at God’s grace.

John Newton was a former slave trader who dramatically gave his life to Jesus. He became a clergyman and abolitionist. The words of the famous hymn ‘Amazing Grace***’ were penned by him. It tells of his journey from being lost to being found. From being blind to seeing. He saw that his whole life depended on God’s grace. Newton also wrote the following which reflects much more succinctly what I am trying to say…

“I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I want to be, I am not what I hope to be in another world; but still I am not what I once used to be, and by the grace of God I am what I am”.

John Newton

Karl Barth was one of the most famous theologians of the 20th century. He was allegedly once asked if he could summarise his entire theological work. After some thought Barth responded, “Yes, I can. In the words of a song I learned at my mother’s knee: ‘Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so. ‘”

*** The lyrics for Amazing Grace can be found here.

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